Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
