Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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