i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
