Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
