So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize