I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
