that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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