I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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