News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize