Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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