I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
