do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
