Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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