Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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