She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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