And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
