I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
