I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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