He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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