please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
