omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
