My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
