I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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