i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
