But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
