and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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