You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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