Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We need to rekindle our bromance
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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