i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
time to smoke my breakfast
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
