He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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