I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
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