A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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