Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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