dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
