So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
