Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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