Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
