Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
