barbara walters just said penis...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
