Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
