note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
