Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
