He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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