I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
