How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
