Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
