I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
