My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
