Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
