im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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