i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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