Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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