Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
