We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
