I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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