Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
