Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
