I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
